The Wifezilla Diaries

Yesterday we were awarded a blog award - great birthday present!  We were awarded this fabulous award from Life of a Stepmama whose blog I adore:

So now I have to think of 10 things to tell you about myself upon receiving this award….hmmm…let’s see what I can come up with here. 

1. I love sleep. I know everyone likes sleep, but no really.  You don’t understand.  I can sleep for 10 hours and still be tired.  Sleeping in is an absolute privilege for me and I will look forward to it for days before it happens.  If someone wakes me up from a deep sleep they had better look out.  I am not into that.  You need breakfast at 6:30 am?  Sorry, go get a Pop Tart.  You want sex at 7am?  Sorry, you married the wrong girl for morning sex.  Just sayin’.

2.  I absolutely hate math and I am horrible at it, yet my job requires me to do math on a daily basis.  How I ended up doing that is beyond me.  I joke that I never really learned how to subtract but really, I don’t think I did.  I still struggle with math on all levels.  I can spell anything you want, but throw in a plus sign or any equation and I am running out the door screaming.

3.  I think I have moved approximately 18 times in my life.  I absolutely hate moving because of this.  I moved around a lot as a child and as an adult for all sorts of different reasons.  I am an expert packer at this point but I loathe the thought of packing up all of our crap and having to move ever again. I say we hire someone to do it.  No really.

4.  I am known for fainting.  I have “white coat syndrome”.  As well as any other syndrome you can think of that involves being hurt, sick, blood, etc. where I pass out when I’m around any of it.  I’ve passed out at all of my family doctor’s offices, school, home, my parents house, gynecologist, orthodontist, chiropractor…the list goes on and on.  It’s honestly embarrassing yet funny at the same time.

5.  I am scared of the dark.  Yes, I’m 28 years old.  Yes, I like a night light available to me at all times.  When my husband is out of town, I lock up like Fort Knox, sleep with the bedroom door shut and a gun beside the bed.  You never know what is lurking in the dark!  Just sayin’.

6.  I was engaged when I was a senior in college to someone other than Robert.  I broke off the engagement ~6 months before the wedding was to happen.  I am thankful every day of my life that I made that decision even though it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through.

7.  Before I love an item of clothing, I normally hate it.  I hated capris at one point.  Refused to wear them, period.  Now I wear them all the time.  Skinny jeans?  No way in hell.  Now I rock them like nobody’s business.  Boots OVER the skinny jeans?  Um.  No.  Now I ADORE it. 

8.  I do not think I will ever be happy with my body.  No matter what, I hate something on it.  Currently, hate my stomach, thighs, ass, the fact that my boobs have somehow shrunk (WTF), and my lips.  It is always something.  Always has been, probably always will be.  I think a woman being completely at peace with her body is an urban legend.

9.  In the past year and a half I have traveled to New York City, Boston, Chicago, St. Louis, Nashville, Memphis, Puerto Rico, Washington DC, Alabama, Lexington, Louisville, South Carolina, Las Vegas…I’m sure I’m missing some.  I’m kind of obsessed with traveling.  I’d rather spend my money on that than just about anything.  I like memories and experiences more than “things”.

10.  I think a few months ago I came the closest to having a complete and total nervous and emtional breakdown as I ever have in my life.  With lots of therapy, lots of good books, great friends, understanding husband, good drugs, and a lot of good swift kicks in the ass, I’m a different person now.  A better version of myself.  Thank goodness for that. 
Okay now I get to tag 5 people right?  If you want to play along, after being tagged, post the award on your site, tell me your ten things, and tag five others.  If you don’t want to play, well BOO.  HA  Here we go!

The Erin Experiment - Erin on more than one occasion has written something that sounds like it could come straight from my brain.  She is a stepmom who is trying to make sense of the sometimes crazy world we live in and she does a darn good job of it.  She also started Stepchicks and I think she deserves a big old glass of wine and a piece of chocolate cake for that alone!

Smartini - I have loved these little barmaids since my very first days of scoping out blogs to entertain myself on my oh so boring work days.  I love their different themes that they have, videos that they show, and stories that they tell.  They keep almost everything light and fun and it makes my day to read their funnies!

The 3 for 1 Deal - This blog title drew my attention right in as this is kind of my life - I got 3 for 1 when I married my hubby so I can relate.  She has recently gotten engaged to the love of her life and is learning all about what it’s like to be a stepmother to his children who are preteens (yikes!).  I really can relate to a lot of what she goes through and look forward to reading about her journey once she ties the knot!

Let’s Have a Cocktail - Yes, let’s do that please.  I found her blog a couple of weeks back and it was one of those blogs that I read the most recent post first then I found myself wanting more so I kept scrolling back.  I was laughing out loud almost at my desk.  Love her writing style and love to see what she will come up with next!

Mean Girls Guide to Glory - This is another blog that I have read since the beginning of my little blog adventure.  These girls are laugh out loud funny, brutally honest, and are most definitely not afraid to have a fabulous drunken good time and then talk about.  If they were near me, we would be friends.  Without a doubt.  I’m sure my husband is glad they don’t live near me.  HA

Is this fab, or is this fab?  So me. 

Na na na na na na They say it’s my birthday!  Na na na na na na

Today is my 28th birthday!  For some reason I always thought 28 seemed like such a great age.  And you know what?  I think it’s going to be.  I think so far this has been the best birthday I’ve had in a long time.  I’ve had a weekend full of love from family and friends and it just continues today.  I love getting happy birthday messages from friends old and new and family members.  It’s a day to feel loved and special and I do.  So thanks to all of my friends and family for making me feel that way today. 

Oh yes, and one of my friends?  Had a Louis Vuitton birthday cake made for me.  It is BEYOND fabulous.  Does she know me or what?!

I’m going to try to quit focusing on the wrinkles that are creeping up on my forehead.  And the gray hairs that randomly creep up near my scalp.  Or the cellulite that seems to have magically appeared on my size 4 body (WTF is up with that?!).  I’m going to try to just enjoy this.  We’ll see how it goes!  30 is nearing….dum dum dum….

I think as parents you learn that your selfish days are pretty much over.  You no longer put your needs and wants ahead of the little people.  As a stepmom, I sometimes think this is magnified by 100.  We are trying to not only be a good parent, but we always want to make sure to have the approval of the stepkids as well as making sure that the husband is happy on top of that.  You don’t want to make it look like you are trying to put YOUR needs ahead of HIS kids (I say “HIS” only for this statement…I refer to our kids as OURS always).  But sometimes…well, you just have to be selfish.

I am learning this.  Therapy is helping me learn this.  One of the big things for me to tackle in therapy is that it is okay to sometimes say NO and sometimes okay for me to put what I want ahead of what others want because lets face it, if I’m not happy and healthy then I won’t be perceived as that to those around me and I won’t be a fun person to be around.  I think I have always struggled with saying no.  I’ve always been the one to put everyone’s needs and wants ahead of mine and it finally drained me.  Thus the therapy.

I’m getting better at this.  I’ve said no a few times this year to kids sporting events.  E puts them in every damn thing imaginable so it’s like a circus trying to get from place to place nearly every day of the week when we live 30 minutes from them.  Last year?  I would have busted my nonexisting balls to get to every single event even if I was running only on pure adrenaline and maybe that granola bar that I sometimes had time to scarf down when running from place to place.  I sometimes say no when someone wants to plan a million activities for us all to do because sometimes we - kids included - just need time to relax and chill out at home. 

Although I’m getting better at this, still when I DO say no or when I DO put my wants first, I get the nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach and wonder how it is going to be perceived.  I had an example this morning that made me think of this.  My birthday is next week (no age jokes please).  This Saturday we have had plans to go to my parents house.  My parents look so forward to us and the kids coming and mom always plans on sorts of things.  She had planned on her and Sydney planting flowers that afternoon, making me dinner and my favorite cake, and for my grandparents to come to her house for dinner (my grandfather is in remission from recent Cancer so him getting to come is a HUGE deal).  I have been beyond excited about it!  I love spending time with my parents and just chilling out and the kids love going thtere as well.  Sydney has been asking if her cousins could come stay the night on Friday night and she has been beyond excited about it.  I received an email from their mom this morning though saying that Friday night won’t work but that they are free Saturday night if that worked.  I emailed Robert to let him know and he says, “Well, maybe they can come spend the night Saturday night and we can just go to your parents on Friday night instead.”

Now that might sound reasonable on the surface but my first instinct was to scream at my computer, “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  It’s my birthday dammit!”  Look, if we go to my parents Friday night, my parents have to rearrange their schedule.  We would not even get to their house until about 6pm.  Which means a rushed dinner, means my grandparents might not be able to come because my grandfather goes to bed so early with his illness, which means I would only have about 2 hours to spend with my family on MY birthday weekend.  NO.  All so she can have her cousins spend the night this weekend instead of waiting 2 weeks to do it because she has been so excited?  Look I get it.  Put the kids first.  Don’t be a baby.  But dammit.  I always put everyone else first.  My first instinct was to think, “Well, maybe we can do that.  I mean I’m sure my parents won’t be TOO upset…” but then I was like NO.  This is MY weekend.  We have had these plans.  Sydney might be a little upset but she will be fine and we can do the cousins sleepover in 2 weeks.  So I emailed Robert and let him know (nicely) that I still wanted to do my parents on Saturday evening and told him the reasons.  He was completely okay with it.  He said, “Sydney will be upset but she will get over it.”  Now does he really MEAN that or is that a guilt trip?  He isn’t huge on those, but I still FEEL guilty when saying NO sometimes. 

I wish that on the rare 1 in 100 occasions that I actually but what I want first I didn’t panic and feel that way.  Maybe in time I will.  I’m just not used to it yet.  Everyone will still be happy, everyone will still get what they want eventually, it’s just hard.  Because now it will be MY fault that Sydney’s friends don’t get to come this weekend.  Is it my FAULT or is it just okay to feel how I did?  Being a parent is hard.  Being a stepparent is 10 times harder sometimes.  Trust.

There are a lot of things that can change my mood or take me back to a specific memory or place in my life.  For example, the smell of Jessica McClintock perfume will always remind me of my grandmother.  Or, as another example, let’s say on the way to work I spill an entire bottle of juice all over my pants, have to go home and change, then forget my cell phone and am late to work (not that it’s happened or anything ever…) - that can totally change my mood.  But I think for me since I’m such a music freak, that is the one thing that gets me more than anything.  It’s amazing to me how I can hear just the opening notes to a certain song and I’m instantly transformed back to childhood or back to high school or back to spending time with a loved one.  I heard a song today that made me think about this.  It’s crazy how if a certain song comes on I will just stop what I’m doing and listen to it - really LISTEN to it and just let me my mind go. 

Here are some songs that do this to me - some are bad memories, some are good, some make me wistful and some make me want to bounce off the walls but here we go:

One Touch by Phil Collins

First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes

At Last by Etta James

Never Ever by All Saints

Tainted Love by Soft Cell

The Chair by George Strait

Holiday Inn by Chingy

Gives You Hell by All American Rejects

Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd

Hard to Handle by Black Crowes

1,2,3,4 by Plain White T’s

These are just a few songs that really give me that feeling inside when I hear them - the feeling that I am somewhere else if only just for a minute.  What are yours??

Oh and just for fun this afternoon as I sit in my office dying of boredom, I checked out our analytics to see how people have gotten to our site.  I adore looking at what people actually search for.  I mean really?  Check some of these out:

• big hairy nutsack (BOTB I’m assuming this was you somewhere along the way…it has you written all over it….)
• crotchless pants
• snot jokes
• slutty outfits (hey, so I talk about slutty outfits from time to time…sue me.)
• loyal thong wearer
• boob smilf movies
• diddle myself (again…BOTB…this screams you)
• huge lump in ball sack but it don’t hurt (this person managed to not only combine my “love” of the words ball sack but to use the word “don’t” improperly…Fabulous)
• wifezilla masterbation

Really?  Is this all we ever talk about?  Sex, snot, and underwear type items?  We need a life.

Today is the big day.  The day that we take the kids back to E’s house after us having them for four days.  That is two days longer than normal so I think it was interesting for all involved.  I, however, have been able to escape had to come to work the past two days so I have not had the 24/7 kids like Robert has.  It’s not like having kids 24/7 for two days is miserable or that hard really.  Our kids are good kids.  Sure, they have their moments where they argue with one another over nothing (”I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you!) but for the most part, they are great kids. 

Robert loves the kids to pieces.  They are his life and that is part of the reason I fell for him but him having the kids 24/7 for 4 days straight…is too much for him to handle sometimes.  HA  His patience wavers to say the least.  They came to have lunch with me a bit ago to get out of the house and Robert looks at me haggerdly and says, “I’m done.”  What’s that Robert?  You don’t like being a SAHD?  What seems to be the problem??  Oh all right, I’ll cut the crap.  I wouldn’t handle it well either.  I love the kids, but I am not the person who wants kids full time.  I never have been and I never will be.  If it were to happen, I would adjust but as for now, um, not my cup of tea. 

I think the last straw was when the garbage disposal wouldn’t work.  Robert was all, “Why is this thing not working?,” and Sydney innocently says, “Well…I maybe dropped afewsequinsandsomebeads in it…”  What’s that?!  “I maybe dropped some sequins and beads in it….”  I’m sure they just got up and jumped in the sink with their little bead legs right?  Kids do these things.  They just do.  But Robert and I…not equipped to handle 20 of these types of things in a 2 day period.  Let me rephrase that…not equipped to handle WITHOUT THE USE OF ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES.  Throw us some Bud Light and a glass of Pinot and we can conquer the world. 

It will be a little strange when the house is all of the sudden quiet tonight after they leave.  I’ll admit it…it’s kind of sad at first when they leave.  It’s nice to go to bed when I want.  It’s nice to walk around in my underwear if I want.  It’s nice to sit on the couch and read without someone asking 50 questions about what I’m reading.  In saying that though, the hugs at bedtime?  Are great.  The cuddling on the couch watching movies together as a family?  Is great also.  We honestly do have the best of both worlds in our opinions though - kids half time, US time half time. 

But I have to admit….right now, some US time mixed in with a little ME time sounds pretty fucking fabulous….

This past weekend we had the kids and we have them now until tomorrow afternoon.  Robert is off work this week so he is home with the kids by himself playing the role of SAHD.  I imagine that if I were to be a fly on the wall in the house while I am at work, it would resemble some sort of sitcom in which the dad looks around helplessly trying to figure out things like where the wife “hid” the lunch meat and how the wife manages to cook a meal, tie a shoe, email someone, and make lunches for the next day simultaneously.  I just hope the house is in one piece when I get home. 

I digress.  What I really want to write about it something that I thought about this weekend.  I’ve thought about it before but it really hit me this weekend.  You see, my parents (my mom and stepfather) are amazing people.  Love them to pieces.  When I came home and told them I was dating a divorced man with two kids who was ten years older than me, neither of them batted an eyelash.  I had kind of expected them to fall into the floor and go into convulsions but not the case.  Instead they accepted not only Robert with open arms, but also Sydney and Tyler.  My mom of course has wanted grandkids for as long as I can remember and well, she was shit out of luck with me until Robert and the kids came along.  And boy did she relish in that moment of having instant grandkids.  To say she was excited is an understatement I feel.  When the kids first met my mom, Robert told them to call her “Miss Jane”.  He has always been a stickler for the kids calling adults “Miss” and “Mister” so that is what she was from the get go and that is what she still is to them - Miss Jane. 

That was about four years ago when she met them.  She calls them her grandkids.  On her Facebook pictures, she says things like, “My granddaughter having a lemonade stand at my house”.  Now, they are not her biological grandchildren but to her, they ARE her grandchildren.  When Robert realized that she did this, I think he fell even more in love with my family for accepting the kids as their own.  They do everything with the kids that they would do if they were biologically theirs and it is something that not just everyone would do. 

This past weekend, Sydney was in another pageant like she was last year (my eyes are rolling right now so far back into my head I can barely type…anyway….) and my parents drove the hour to come see her in it.  Now, Robert and I are used to the drill by now.  At any event where E is, Tyler instantly runs to her and it is pure hell to get him to come back to us when it’s time to leave.  This was no different.  Tyler came with us (Robert and I, and my parents) and he instantly went running to E and her parents - his biological grandparents.  I admit to some sort of feeling of…jealousy?  Anger?  Hurt?  when this happens.  I do nothing about it of course, but I won’t lie.  There is some feeling there when this happens.  This weekend though I thought…hm.  I wonder how my parents feel about this?  They are like me in this situation.  Thrown into as a “second best” relative to the kids if you really want to get right down to it.  Does my mom get that feeling when the kids come somewhere with us and they instantly run to their other grandparents and forget that my parents even exist?  My mom is tough as nails so I bet she just lets it roll off her back but I have to wonder.  How is it to be the stepGRANDparent?  They are further removed from the situation then myself but still…what is that like?  I wonder how other people’s parents have dealt with them instantly having stepchildren.  Do they love it?  Were they worried at first?

Now, back to praying the the house is one piece when I get home.  Sigh.

Well, well, well old friends…we meet again. SMILF and BOTB got me all nostalgic when I saw their posts pop up in my google reader and made me want to hop on this bandwagon once again. Ok, enough reminiscing…on to the goods.

There is an issue we must discuss. It is cellulite. It is disgusting and horrible and something I think about at least once a day. I have it. It is a problem. Now, I will say this about myself… I am a little bit (ok a LOT bit) body conscious. This does not mean that I think I’m fat or gross or have an eating disorder anything schizo like that. It means that I value health and fitness. It means that I think about what I put in my body (that means food…get your head out of the gutter, BOTB). It means that I exercise at least 5 days a week. I work hard.

That being said…I also have DNA which has come from my parents and their parents. Unfortch for me, my mom, all of her sisters and her mom and probably her sisters and mom and so on… all have cellulite. From the heaviest sister to the skinniest of minnies, they all have it. So obviously, yours truly would also be on the recieving of this genetic masterpiece. And now at my ripe age of - well let’s just say I’m CLINGING to my twenties - a few dimples have developed juuuuuust under my booty and I must say, the rest of my thighs aren’t looking as taut as they once did. I know there is no cure, but I also know that Jennifer Aniston and Kim Kardashian and probably a million and fifty other American women have it…but we don’t see it. I need to know how to solve this problem. Jennfier…what is your secret?

So, rant complete. I know that I am thin, so I don’t need people to reinforce that to me (like every friend I have does constantly “Oh stop, you weigh like, two pounds”) and I realize that if I stopped talking about it, surely no one would notice. But we women LOVE to hilight our flaws. So there’s mine for the day.

It’s great to be back. WOW that felt good!

Courtesy of the fabulous Natalie Dee.  No one says it better than her right?

As I said, I started therapy back in February.  I just had a lot going on.  I’ll go into some of it more later but just a lot on my mind, a lot of stress, and I could feel myself going in this horrid downward spiral and I wasn’t interested in continuing the spiral.  The therapy has been a life saver for me.  I am on therapist #2 now and I love her.  It’s great to not only have someone to just vent to, but someone who will hold me accountable for things (besides BOTB although she does a damn good job of it). 

Last week I had my first appointment with a psychiatrist.  I have been dragging my feet on going on meds for a long time.  Looking back, I can see that even 6-8 months ago I was beyond stressed out and having a lot of general anxiety over things that just shouldn’t cause that much anxiety - day to day things.  Not that I’m one of those people who blames everything on their childhood and past, but most of my anxiety and control issues DO come from how I grew up with my dad being an alcoholic.  I know this now more than ever after reading some fabulous books and talking to other people.  In any case, I knew I needed to do something about it because on some days I’m a walking time bomb.

For some reason I have been against going on any meds for my general anxiety disorder.  I think there are a lot of reasons.  I think anxiety and depression meds in general are scary because there can be a shit ton of side effects and I am not interested in side effects.  I also think that some of them have this stigma that if you go on them you will be a walking zombie and I’m not interested in that either.  I also didn’t want to go on anything that was addictive because I am prone to addiction anyway.  I finally sucked it up after both therapists suggested I go on something very low dosage and clean just to try to even me out a bit (aka, to quit being a bitch for no reason). 

Last week my psychiatrist prescribed me a very low dosage (5mg) of Lexapro.  I know people who use Lexapro and love it.  I also know people who have used it and hated every minute of it.  But I’m giving it a shot.  The first night I took it, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like I was going to vomit and was drenched in sweat.  I also took it around 10pm and washed it down with a glass of Gewurtztraminer.  Hm.  Maybe not the smartest thing?  I was scared to take it again after that so I didn’t take it for a few days because I had too much going on - I couldn’t risk being sick again.  I started back on it Tuesday night and guess what?  So far so good!  I’m now taking it with dinner and haven’t drank anything so maybe this is the key.  Although I do have a friend who takes Proazac and two Xanax a day and washes it down with a copious amount of Grey Goose every night and is just fine.  Annnnnnywho….

I’m told it takes a few weeks to really notice the effects of the drug.  So I’m hoping in no time that I will feel just like this fabulous little character that Natalie Dee created….that I just won’t give a fuck about things that I normally would freak the hell out about.  Keep your fingers crossed for me..and everyone involved with me.