The Wifezilla Diaries

I think as parents you learn that your selfish days are pretty much over.  You no longer put your needs and wants ahead of the little people.  As a stepmom, I sometimes think this is magnified by 100.  We are trying to not only be a good parent, but we always want to make sure to have the approval of the stepkids as well as making sure that the husband is happy on top of that.  You don’t want to make it look like you are trying to put YOUR needs ahead of HIS kids (I say “HIS” only for this statement…I refer to our kids as OURS always).  But sometimes…well, you just have to be selfish.

I am learning this.  Therapy is helping me learn this.  One of the big things for me to tackle in therapy is that it is okay to sometimes say NO and sometimes okay for me to put what I want ahead of what others want because lets face it, if I’m not happy and healthy then I won’t be perceived as that to those around me and I won’t be a fun person to be around.  I think I have always struggled with saying no.  I’ve always been the one to put everyone’s needs and wants ahead of mine and it finally drained me.  Thus the therapy.

I’m getting better at this.  I’ve said no a few times this year to kids sporting events.  E puts them in every damn thing imaginable so it’s like a circus trying to get from place to place nearly every day of the week when we live 30 minutes from them.  Last year?  I would have busted my nonexisting balls to get to every single event even if I was running only on pure adrenaline and maybe that granola bar that I sometimes had time to scarf down when running from place to place.  I sometimes say no when someone wants to plan a million activities for us all to do because sometimes we - kids included - just need time to relax and chill out at home. 

Although I’m getting better at this, still when I DO say no or when I DO put my wants first, I get the nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach and wonder how it is going to be perceived.  I had an example this morning that made me think of this.  My birthday is next week (no age jokes please).  This Saturday we have had plans to go to my parents house.  My parents look so forward to us and the kids coming and mom always plans on sorts of things.  She had planned on her and Sydney planting flowers that afternoon, making me dinner and my favorite cake, and for my grandparents to come to her house for dinner (my grandfather is in remission from recent Cancer so him getting to come is a HUGE deal).  I have been beyond excited about it!  I love spending time with my parents and just chilling out and the kids love going thtere as well.  Sydney has been asking if her cousins could come stay the night on Friday night and she has been beyond excited about it.  I received an email from their mom this morning though saying that Friday night won’t work but that they are free Saturday night if that worked.  I emailed Robert to let him know and he says, “Well, maybe they can come spend the night Saturday night and we can just go to your parents on Friday night instead.”

Now that might sound reasonable on the surface but my first instinct was to scream at my computer, “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  It’s my birthday dammit!”  Look, if we go to my parents Friday night, my parents have to rearrange their schedule.  We would not even get to their house until about 6pm.  Which means a rushed dinner, means my grandparents might not be able to come because my grandfather goes to bed so early with his illness, which means I would only have about 2 hours to spend with my family on MY birthday weekend.  NO.  All so she can have her cousins spend the night this weekend instead of waiting 2 weeks to do it because she has been so excited?  Look I get it.  Put the kids first.  Don’t be a baby.  But dammit.  I always put everyone else first.  My first instinct was to think, “Well, maybe we can do that.  I mean I’m sure my parents won’t be TOO upset…” but then I was like NO.  This is MY weekend.  We have had these plans.  Sydney might be a little upset but she will be fine and we can do the cousins sleepover in 2 weeks.  So I emailed Robert and let him know (nicely) that I still wanted to do my parents on Saturday evening and told him the reasons.  He was completely okay with it.  He said, “Sydney will be upset but she will get over it.”  Now does he really MEAN that or is that a guilt trip?  He isn’t huge on those, but I still FEEL guilty when saying NO sometimes. 

I wish that on the rare 1 in 100 occasions that I actually but what I want first I didn’t panic and feel that way.  Maybe in time I will.  I’m just not used to it yet.  Everyone will still be happy, everyone will still get what they want eventually, it’s just hard.  Because now it will be MY fault that Sydney’s friends don’t get to come this weekend.  Is it my FAULT or is it just okay to feel how I did?  Being a parent is hard.  Being a stepparent is 10 times harder sometimes.  Trust.