The Wifezilla Diaries

There is clearly too much stepmom talk going on already :P  So, I guess I need to come back and start posting too.

Yesterday was my 2nd wedding anniversary.  Where the hell does time go?  It feels like I’ve been with umm shit what do I call my husband on here?  I guess I’ll just call him my husband until I unlazy myself and figure out what I call him.  Anyway, it feels like I’ve been with him forever, but the wedding does not seem like it was that long ago.  A year maybe, but two years?!?!  Oh damn I’m getting old before I know it I’ll have been with him 50 years and I’ll be  … Ya I can’t even begin to think about how old I’ll be then.  My mind thankfully refuses to do that math.

The husband and I are pretty low key  with anniversaries.  We went out to dinner over the weekend to celebrate and drank spent way too much, last night he made me dinner and got me flowers thanks SAHW for dropping a helpful hint.  We’re both picked up cards on the way home from work, I grabbed some chocolate for him.  We’re anniversary slackers.  We ate, we hung out,  good night, but nothing all that interesting for any of you.

That’s where the ex aka the Married guy comes in.

I can’t find any posts about the Married guy so I’m going to assume I haven’t mentioned him before.  The quick rundown is we met, started dating, his future BIL mentioned he was getting married, a year later he got married, he called me from his honeymoon, his wife got preggo, I was the first non parent to find out, I got to college decided I didn’t want to still be around when she had the baby so I left him only to turn around and start dating this fuckface a day later.  After the fuckface and I ended I started sleeping with the married guy again along with my husband and the guy I was dating at the time talk about party in my pants. As far as the married guy goes I loved him, he loved me, the sex was amazing and I’ve always viewed him as the one that got away.

Until yesterday.

I guess the progression has been coming for a long time now.  The longer I’m with my husband, the more I see my relationship with the married guy for more than just the good times I remember.  I tend to push out a lot of the bad because the good was so good, but over time I’ve stopped ignoring the bad.

Yesterday when I got a Happy Anniversary text from him I realized something.   In that one moment everything changed.  He was no longer the one that got away. I was.  As I sat there looking at my phone I realized just how happy I was to be where I am now.  I could have got him to divorce his wife if I had tried, I’m glad my 16-18 year old self had the sense to not do that and just enjoy the good times.  This summer marks 10 years from when we first met and I can finally say that I’m completely over him.  I’ve been over actually dating him for years now, but the feeling that he got away has always remained.  To be honest, I thought I would always feel that way.

I’m so lucky to have my husband.  He is so much better than I deserve and somehow every day I fall more in love with him.  He’s made me realize that it’s not possible for an ex to “be the one that got away” if you have exactly what you want already.  Love you Stink (yes I finally figured out what I call him)

Who all knows about your blog?

I ask this because I know a lot of us, especially the stepmamas like to keep things anonymous - changing names, not posting pictures, etc. because a lot of the stuff we post is not exactly things we want certain people to see (which I’m sure some would say, “Then why blog at all where people can see it!”).  I know that I like to remain anonymous - changed names, no pictures, etc.

My answer is that the only people who know this blog exists are the other Wifezillas.  Well, and I think another of our friends MIGHT have just come across it yesterday but she is someone I trust so it’s all good 

So…who is it?  Who knows?

Yesterday I spent some time going back and looking through old blog posts, specifically seeing what was going on last year at this time.  And all I can say is wow.  Last year at this time, the stepmom portion of my life was beyond stressful.  I think it’s still stressful sometimes now - and it is, but I can definitely say that a lot of things have improved since last year.  Of couse, E is still E, so now there are just DIFFERENT issues, but a lot of the major issues that we were going through last year have improved tremendously.  I look back on posts like this and this and I am thankful that a lot of these things are much better.  I think a lot of it has to do with the kids growing up a little.  It certainly doesn’t have to do with E changing her ways and being less selfish.  I mean let’s not get crazy here - I don’t want you thinking she has suddenly become a sane, non selfish person.  No no no.  That would be TOO perfect.  But looking back through these types of old posts makes me realize something - I survived it.  I am not sure how I survived it, but I did.  I know there were times when I wasn’t sure that I could.  I’ll admit it.  Being a stepmom is just hard.  Period.  I love the kids.  They love me.  We all get along great as a family.  HOWEVER.  I still say that being a stepmom is often one of the hardest and most thankless jobs out there.  You are NOT the mom.  You never will be.  Therefore, there are a lot of decisions that you have no say in.  There are a lot of situations that will come up that you will be completely left out of no matter how great your relationship is with the kids.  That is just how it is.  And I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  If anyone ever wants to say to me, “Well, you knew what you were getting into before you married into that…”, step back after you say it.  Because my fist will be coming toward you at rapid speed.  You do NOT know everything you are getting into until you are in it. 

In saying those things that come off negative, let me say - our life is pretty damn good.  The kids are great - they are both getting older (now 5 and 9) so they are developing their own personalities, quirks, etc. and it’s really fun to watch.  When Tyler runs up and nearly knocks me down with a big hug after his soccer games, I melt.  When Sydney and I are in the kitchen baking a cake together and just being silly, it’s a moment I know neither of us will ever forget.  My husband wouldn’t be who he is today without having gone through everything he has gone through with his divorce and with the kids and I happen to be quite fond of who he is today so I’m not exactly sorry that he went through it all.  Sorry for some of the things that he had done to him and said to him, but it shaped him and molded him. 

The kids are both now sleeping in their own beds at our house - victory!  This was pure hell for us if you will recall but it has worked out great - not without nights of tears and frustration but it was worth it.  Does that mean E doesn’t have them all still sleeping in the same bed at her house?  Nope.  Sure doesn’t.  She is “working on it.”  Right.  In E speak that is, “I think I am right and you are wrong so I’m going to continue doing whatever the fuck I want regardless what anyone else thinks.”  Meh.  We recently found out she still had them showering together.  I wanted to come UNGLUED.  A 5 year old boy and a 9 year old girl (who I might add is wearing a bra and I’m just WAITING for the day for Aunt Flo to come knocking…) naked together every night?!  UM NO.  Not right.  Period.  Robert is working on that one with E.  She of course claims she is “working on it.”  WTF is there to work on?  Put them in the tub at different times.  Pretty damn hard huh?  So like I said, there are still some definite issues.  Sydney is still completely dependent on her mom in most situations.  She will still cover for her mom until the cows come home.  Tyler is at that very honest age though.  He will tell you things without you even asking and it’s wonderful.  HA  He is how we found out about them still showering together.  He is the one who told us that he “drowned” at the pool the other day because he got on a “big kid slide” and went all the way to the bottom and the lifeguard had to come in and “save him”.  He is the one who when they came to our house after their first summer day at the pool complained that his back was itchy so I looked and he was sunburned to a crisp (this is normal for the summer for them.  She lets them burn like that at least 5 times a summer).  Funny how normally they shower/bathe at our house on those evenings but that day they had suddently already showered before Robert picked them up.  Hm.

I think something I have learned through therapy (yes, I finally put myself back into therapy and it’s been the best thing for me EVER) is that no matter what, YOU CAN’T CHANGE SOMEONE ELSE.  Now I knew that.  I’m not an idiot.  But still…does that stop you from wanting to??  No.  But I’m learning that when E does shit or doesn’t do shit as the case may be, there is NOTHING I can do.  There is nothing I can do because she isn’t someone who is willing to listen to concerns or to compromise.  She thinks she is ALWAYS right and that is the end of it.  So honestly, just telling myself that when I start having the blood boil inside of me is pretty helpful.  It’s something small and something that seems obvious but repeating that to myself is helpful. 

Next week is the week of the summer where we have the kids for 5 days straight.  That is always interesting for both of us.  Having two different lives makes things interesting to say the least.  It gets better all the time though.  Next week will be full of days outside in the sprinkler, baking, going to the library and the park, playing wiffle ball in the field next to our house…and probably nights filled with my best friends Reisling and Sav B with a little Lexapro on the side.  What?  Something wrong with that? 

I hate getting up to come back to work after a long weekend.  I feel like I’m reaching through quicksand to turn the alarm button off because it’s SEVEN AM!?!  I haven’t seen SEVEN AM in 5 days!  I could go on forever without seeing it!  But here I sit at my desk.  At least my boss is out today. 

Thursday night we had the last tball game and the last softball game of the year.  I can’t say that I am upset by this.  I mean, I love watching the kids - they are cute, but driving 35 minutes one way to sit in the blazing heat is just not my ideal evening.  And I think I have mentioned that the kids play in a very small town league - and I am from a very small town, so I grew up in this environment and I am glad I did - and can I just say, wow.  As I sat on the bleachers observing everything going on around me, I told Robert, “You know what I wish?  I wish that every thought in my head while we are sitting here would just instantly translate into a blog because I’m pretty sure people would be peeing their pants.”  I think there are two main things that drive me batshit crazy.  1) The bad grammar.  I get it.  You are from a small country bumpkin town and “don’t know no better” but I can’t help the fact that somewhere along the way I learned to know better and so now when you speak like that, it reminds me of fingernails on a chalkboard.  I’m sure when I grew up I sounded the exact same way because of where I lived and what I was surrounded by but man.  I can’t take it.  2) People sit and wonder and study why the youth of America are obese.  You want the answer to the million dollar question?  Because the parents are lazy and selfish.  There is this cute little girl who is the sister of one of Sydney’s friends.  She is chunky to say the least and I believe she is 6.  I shit you not - we had been there a total of 28 minutes and I had seen this little girl eat one of those giant disgusting pickles, a pixy stick that was taller than her, a Sunkist, nachos, a hot dog, and popcorn.  Are you kidding me?!   She was the one I made sure to NOT sit near during the trophy ceremony because I just KNEW she was going to hurl her guts out at any minute.  I mean how can a little kid even HOLD that much shit in such a short amount of time?  I don’t care if our kids DID say they wanted all that or that they were hungry.  No way in HELL would they get all that.  Statements like this are where “evil stepmothers” come from I’m sure. 

Friday night one of Robert’s friends and his wife had a party at their house.  They always have rockin’ parties - lots of booze, lots of food, lots of people, DJ, etc.  I have to admit that the older I get (I mean the ripe old age of almost 28…) the more I have mixed feelings about parties like this.  Don’t get me wrong - I love to socialize but I also love to just lay around home in my sweats and watch TV.  So part of me is like, “Sweet a party!” and the other part is like, “Ugh.  Can I please come up with an excuse to NOT go so I can just stay home?”  I’m glad I went to this one though.  Lots of good people there and yummy food.  I was DD’ing that night for Robert which is always interesting because you never know what the night will hold when that happens.  Robert doesn’t drink often.  He might have a beer or two during the week but he really only drinks copious amounts on rare occasions like these parties.  I have to say, I am thankful because he is a friendly, lovable, talkative drunk, not a mean, depressed, smartass drunk.  So as the night went on, Robert made besties with our cooler and I just waited for the entertainment to start.  Essentially to me that is what it is being a DD at a party - free entertainment.  I think the highlight of the night AT the party for me was when I was inside talking to some friends and someone came in to me and said that Robert was about to play the electric guitar with the DJ and sing but he was refusing to do so unless I came out to watch.  HA  Don’t worry, he actually can play the guitar and sing so it wasn’t bad for all the guests- I would have done damage control had that been the case. 

The good part came AFTER the party.  I was shocked when Robert was ready to go around 11.  A lot of people were leaving so he said we could go.  Normally I’m the one DYING to leave and he is still wanting to stay and be chatty chatty with people he just met becuase they are now his BFF’s (insert eye roll here).  I knew he had too much to drink and at this point probably wouldn’t remember much more of the evening.  Smart wife that I am had the bed all ready for him to just fall into when he got home.  He was in and out of sleepy town the whole way home which was amusing enough.  He got home and crawled into bed and snored so loud that I had to plug my ears (this is common in our house…don’t get me started).  The prize winning moment of the evening came about 2am.  I woke up because I needed to tinkle.  When I woke up, I realized Robert wasn’t in bed.  So I assumed he was already in the bathroom (our master bath is connected to our bedroom).  So I waited about 5 minutes and thought, okay, he obviously isn’t in there and if so, maybe I should check on him.  I first looked in the living room to see if he was on the couch for some reason.  No Robert.  I glanced in our master bathroom from the bed, no Robert.  Now keep in mind, we are in the middle of completely redoing our master bathroom.  It is gutted except for the toilet and the tub.  I’m talking, no tile, wall down to bare bones, etc.  We put two rugs on the floor leading to the toilet so we could still use it.  I walk into the master bathroom and literally almost TRIP over Robert.  Picture this if you will…or maybe you don’t want to.  HA He was laying on the two rugs, sprawled out, face down with HIS PANTS PULLED DOWN TO HIS ANKLES, passed out.  I didn’t know whether to laugh or to shake him to make sure he was okay.  I of course cackled first.  That is just me.  Hey, he was breathing okay?  I was like, “Robert.  ROBERT.  WAKE UP.  What the fuck are you doing?  ARe you okay?!”  No answer.  I kicked him.  He then woke up and mumbled that he was okay.  I told him to go to bed.  He then proceeded to sit up and sit there WITH HIS PANTS PULLED DOWN TO HIS ANKLES and sleep like that for 20 seconds until I told him to GET TO BED rather loudly.  I was DYING laughing at this point.  The next morning, I am telling him about this little fiasco and he doesn’t remember a blessed minute of it.  Of course not!  And why am I so stupid to NOT go get the camera?  I am sure BOTB will ask me this same question.  Oh Bud Light, you are such a good friend to me to provide such cheap entertainment.

The rest of the weekend was pretty uneventful which was great.  I managed to get almost through another entire season of One Tree Hill.  Yes, I am one of those adults that loves made up shows about high school kids who really aren’t even high school age.  I have no shame.  Like why did the high school kids I knew go on music tours, emancipate from their parents, and take limos out to clubs every weekend?  Clearly I grew up in the wrong part of the country.  I missed out big time.

Hope everyone had a good 4th!  I just realized that I still haven’t talked about the Derby party that I went to in April.  It was Kim Kardashian’s party.  Yeeeeahhhh…..more later on that. 

In honor of me coming back to the blogger world, I was going back through and reading old posts.  Damn.  I whined a lot.  Sorry about that.  I’m not so sorry that I’ll stop, just sorry about that.  :) 

This is still one of my favorite posts ever.  I mean the fact that there was an actual term for someone like me who would not consume that extra cookie during the day because I was saving calories for that yummy glass of Pinot at the end of the day?  Priceless.

Drunkorexic is the new Anorexic

That’s all.

I bet you thought I had disappeared off of the face of the earth.  Or maybe went to Puerto Rico and never came back.  Though I wish the second part of that were true, that is not the case.  The past few months have been a whirlwind for me on many levels.  Some of the whirlwind I’l write about, some I won’t probably but in any case, I am back!  I plan on writing here more because I need the creative outlet.  I loved writing on this blog and I enjoyed the comments and reading other blogs.  I am not sure that my other Wifezillas will be joining me as we all have busy lives (I mean SAHW isn’t even SAH anymore!  Whaaaat?!) but in any case you will be stuck with me and my stories about my life as a SMILF. 

So, as to not just go into any deep things going on in my life in my first post back, let’s take a moment to give you some random bullet points about things in the life of the SMILF currently:

• BOTB is currently introducing me to a new way to use yogurt.  And it makes me want to throw up and never eat yogurt again, however I might just have to experiment.  I’ll let you know how that goes.  It involves a tampon.  I’ll leave it at that.  Gross.
• My 28th birthday is at the end of the month - how did that happen?  I think I still look pretty damn good but I will admit…the wrinkle between my eyebrows from giving people shitty looks that say, “Are you fucking kidding me?” my whole life is starting to get bigger.  Maybe I should just stop giving people that look.  Right.  Note to self: Make botox appointment for year 2012.
• The kids are doing great.  I have to say that we have come a long way with some of the issues that we had last year at this time.  Is everything perfect?  Hell no.  As long as E is in the picture, things will never be how we want them to be.  But we keep plugging along.  I’m realizing that I can do nothing to change her so I might as well just love my life and pretend she doesn’t bother me at ALL.
• I’m about to start reading a book called, “Stop Dressing Your Six Year Old Like a Skank.”  Really.  Have you noticed that people do this?  It sickens me. 
• Since everyone seemed to so much enjoy my past post about slutty outfits, I’d like to note that for Father’s Day Robert received me in a cheerleading outfit.  My team letters on my slutty barely there “shirt” if you can call it that?  BJU.  That is right my friends.  Blow Job University.  Yes, blow jobs do still occur after marriage.  At least in my house. 

I’ll leave you with that for now.  I hope to get some of our readers back because I love your comments and love keeping you with your blogs.  My life is nuts normally so I promise to not disappoint.  HA

Happy 4th of July weekend all!

Here is where my ass will be starting tomorrow.  Be jealous.  Be very jealous my friends.  Okay, maybe not.  Just be happy for me because I need a vacation really bad right now!  :) 

Did I mention once I return from here I’m leaving the next morning for Washington DC?  Oh yeah, I am.  So peace out everyone!  I’ll catch ya in a couple weeks!

Yeah, that’s right - jumbledegobbildygook.  That is how my brain feels right now.  I really don’t have the brain cells to write some big long post right now so let’s do a list of all my random thoughts right now.  I adore lists, don’t you?  Randomness.  Here we go.  My thoughts.

• This weekend is Sydney’s 9th birthday.  I can’t believe it!  Friday night we are having a slumber party at our house for her and two friends.  The boys are going to go do some boy stuff so it will be a girl’s night of pizza, painting nails, dancing, playing games, etc.  She is looking SO forward to it!  Saturday all of my in laws will be coming to our house for lunch and for Sydney’s birthday party with family.  She requested tacos for lunch.  Tacos for 20 coming right up!  Um.  Yeah.  Could have been worse.  :)  I need to fit in baking her cake at some point.  She wants a strawberry cake with white icing.  She first requested DENIM colored sprinkles.  DENIM?!  Who does that?!  HA!  I was ready to go on a mad hunt then she was all like, “I MEANT pastel!  I don’t know why I said DENIM!”  Whew!  Much easier.  Saturday night is her party at the local pizza place/game room for kids/germ fest 2009.  E has taken charge of that one which is fine by me.  However, now Robert and I are all like, well, should we go to that party or not?  I mean we will have already given her our gifts and had our party with her earlier in the day.  She is getting to the age where she will have smaller school friend parties.  Do we go to that or not?  My mom says we are damned if we do, damned if we don’t.  Meh…
• Next week Robert and I will be in the Caribbean at this time at an undisclosed location.  I’m top secret now you know.  I’ll be laying my ass on the beach sipping on cold drinks all day for 4 days.  In 85 degree weather.  I so need this right now. 
• You will notice that I made the Vegas post password only.  BG was searching the net for more paparazzi shots of us and this blog came up as one of the first things.  Not what I want at ALL so I made that post password only.  Now BG knows about this blog though.  No one knew before.  Good thing I’m already honest with BG about everything anyway huh?  Just in case she looks again.  She says she won’t but I don’t care if she does.  She can read about me bitching about E, whining about not having time for stuff, and talking about trips which is what she does every day anyway.  HA!
• I’ve been working out like crazy lately trying to get in tip top shape for this trip next week.  I have some fab new bikinis I need to wear and look hot in.  Working out is such a good stress reliever for me.  In getting back into my working out routine, I am also getting back into my healthy, clean, eating routine.  My body is rebelling after the Christmas madness of eating whatever whenever.  I’m hungry.  All day.  Even after I eat.  According to my friend who is a nutritionist and personal trainer, I AM eating enough though.  If a man ever wants to know what it’s like to be a woman I am going to tell him it feels like your stomach is eating itself all day long.  Like a monster inside gnawing away at whatever it can find.  Yeah, my own fault for being healthy I guess.  I could just go grab doughtnuts and chips like all my coworkers do, but I’m not into that.  I eat 6 times a day.  Healthy. 
• Lately (the past few months) I have noticed that I don’t deal with things as well as I once did.  And by “things” I mean anything out of the ordinary.  I can’t quite explain this without sound like a freak but I’ll try.  I’ve never been a person who can’t handle day to day life and I’ve always dealt with stressful situations pretty well.  Recently though, even thinking about all the stuff that I have to do day to day stresses me out beyond comprehension.  Like I literally feel anxiety build up inside me.  And then when you add something like this weekend into the equation??  I feel crazy all week.  I can’t sleep because my mind won’t stop thinking about lists, and things to do, etc. even if everything IS under control.  It’s like my mind will never stop thinking about things I have to do.  Even if it’s a normal weeknight when I get home from work around 5:30 - I make a big dinner, clean up dinner, then make breakfast/lunch/snacks for the next day for Robert and I (which takes a good 45 minutes), clean all that up, pick up the house, etc. etc.  By the time I sit down at night it’s maybe 8pm.  If I’m lucky.  I do too much but I don’t know what to cut out or when to stop.  I have to evaluate this situation soon.  I don’t want to end up medicated.  But I also don’t want to be one of those people who continually tells herself everything is fine then one day her husband comes home and finds her rocking back and forth in the corner or the bathroom with a bottle of Xanax in her hand.  And empty one.  I need to really think about this.  When I have time.  HA! 

I’ll leave you with that for now.  As I said, my mind never stops so I could go on forever but that’s enough for one day.  I just keep thinking…beach.  Warm weather.  Cold drinks.  Sleeping in.  No work.  No kids.  No family issues.  One week.  Ahhh…

I just got insider gossip from my faux aunt that happens to work with my cousin and the chicky he got engaged to.  Are you ready for this?  Drumroll please …

This will be her 3rd marriage … she’s 28.  Is it just me or does this not make it 10 times worse that they’re rushing things?

I’m considering not going to the wedding in protest.

UPDATE TWO:  My grandmother is PISSED.  And apparently the whole office of 500 people is saying that she just wants the $$.  He wants a prenup, but who knows.  I hope the updates keep coming!

Even though I’ve moved away from my home town I still like to check out the online news there from time to time when I’m bored.  My parents still live there and I still know a bunch of people.  This week I wondered on over and saw an obituary.  The name sounded familiar and sure enough, it was someone I had gone to preschool/a few years of school later on down the line.  While overall my graduating class was very close, I was never close to this particular kid.  To be honest, he creeped me out.

Believe it or not I was one of those people that was always nice to the outcasts. but this kid bugged me out.  I don’t think I ever said more than two words with him and throught my entire preschool through 12th grade career, there’s not one other person that got that kind of treatment.  Granted I never had any classes with him, but still.

Ok back to the story.  So, last night it occurs to me that it’s a little odd that he died “unexpectedly” and I assume that he probably committed suicide.  Then I feel a twinge of guilt because since preschool people had kinda treated him like shit because he was more than a little off.  I feel like I should have said hi or been nice even thought that was 10 years ago and probably wouldn’t have made a difference.
As SAHW can tell you I am a master google searcher.  I felt that I needed confirmation that this was suicide to ease my guilt or something.  I’m also nosey and like to know every detail I can get my hands on.  My first google search just turned up a copy of his obituary in another town.  Dammit, not what I was looking for.  So, I tried again and I think my jaw crashed down and broke on the floor.  I found this.

In case you don’t want to click this kid that I got bad vibes from starting in preschool was apparently trying to lure kids as young as 12 on the internet.  OMG WTF?  I mean he was creepy and I can’t say that it’s that surprising, but damn.  What a sick fuck.  I was totally repulsed as I read the article.  He was trying to lure little kids in and he was passing around child porn.  Sketchy.

So, there I was at 1 am left with the intense urge to vomit and at the same time feeling bad that this guy probably did commit suicide on Christmas Eve.  Like how does one reconcile those feelings?  On one hand I don’t feel bad at all that the sick fuck killed himself, but on the other hand he was obviously pretty messed up probably in part due to years of people including myself making fun of him.  Remember at the beginning of this little story when I said his name sounded familiar … well folks that’s because I don’t think I ever once called him by his real name.  See in preschool someone gave him a pretty shitty nickname and 10 years later that nickname kinda stuck.  So ya, I feel like one of those bullies who picks on a kid so bad they turn out all messed up and kill themselves.  I know it’s certainly not my fault that he had sexual feelings for children and a hell of a lot of other people made fun of him over the years too, but it had to be the one kid in my life that I really made fun of that this happens too.  Then again maybe I’m just an amazing judge of character and knew this would happen to him some day. Either way I still want to vom.

Hopefully people in my life will stop the insanity and be more normal.